copyright © 2007 Betsy L. Angert

We each experience many obstructions everyday of our lives.  There are physical fences we cannot or will not climb.  A roadblock might impede our progress on the thoroughfare.  Distance does us in.  Many do not wish to venture beyond familiar neighborhoods.  Proximity can limit our travel.  Time is an interesting concept.  Although, man created seconds, minutes, hours, and days, few of us seem able to separate ourselves from this obstacle. 

As difficult as it might be to ford the river or sea, nothing compares with the challenge we feel when we know there is a need discuss subjects that cause us to feel defensive.  Delicate topics are taboo too.  Conversations of all sorts are difficult.  Personal or professional, what we say aloud and what we do not can cause palms to sweat, hands to clam, pulses to race, and a person to pace.  The heart is easily torn to pieces.  The head hurts at the thought of what might be a threat.  Communication can cleave, or calm; it can be the greatest bridge or the barrier that destroys a connection.

As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.
As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.

As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.

Personally, I do not presume to know what any individual must do to ensure that in their life, communications will be effective.  Nor do I believe that any expert in linguistics can carve a path for you to pursue.  As I share a tale or two, I trust you dear reader will relate as humans do, from your own life experience.  Perchance that is the essential.  We encounter, exchange, empathize, and grow.  Life is an evolution with no singular solution.  Lets us stroll down this path together, and discover the knowledge available to each of us.  If we dare to dive more deeply than we do when we just talk, oh what treasures we might find.  Let us look at the barriers to communication and examine ways to build bridges.

When we survey the research, we find the obscure and the obvious.  Broad statements, outlines that obfuscate or abstract are available.  Perhaps, we can fill in the blanks or read between the lines.  Some of the script seems basic, easy to comprehend.

Barriers to Communication

Physical (time, environment, comfort, needs, physical medium)

Cultural (ethnic, religious, and social differences)

Perceptional (viewing what is said from your own mindset)

Motivational (mental inertia)

Experiential (lack of similar experience)

Emotional (personal feelings at the moment)

Linguistic (different languages or vocabulary)

Non-verbal (non-word messages)

Competition (noise, doing other things besides listening)

Words (we assign a meaning to a word often because of culture — note the difference in the meaning of “police” (contrast [affluent neighborhoods] or any inner city perspective) or  “boy” (contrast white male with black male perspectives)

Context (high / low)

Purpose 

Mode (differences in way a message is sent)

Gestures (misunderstood gestures are a major barrier see discussion on non-verbal language)

Variations in language - accent, dialect

Slang - jargon - colloquialism

Different forms or reasons for verbal interaction

Dueling - seeing who can get the upper hand (playing the dozens)

Repartee conversation - taking short turns rather than monologue

Ritual conversation - standard replies with little meaning to words themselves (i.e. most US greetings)

Self-disclosure.

That last element is the one that tugs at heart.  It is the hardest for many to accept or act on.  Yet, in my life open discourse is essential if we wish to cultivate enjoyment.  Communication, when effective brings closeness, counter to what our fears cause us to believe.

I see you shake your head and say, no that is not so.  You might think, “How can I reveal of what lies deep within me.”  People will not understand.  They may ridicule, rebuff, or resent my beliefs.  ‘Tis true; they might in the moment.  At first blush, people can be reactive.  However, think of a time when you did not tell someone your deepest secret.  Did that not weigh heavily or your heart.  Often, we snub ourselves more severely than others might. 

In our communication with self, we do exactly what we think others will do if they knew.  We shun us.  We deny our feelings.  The passion that pulses through our veins is veiled, just as it is in the dry list I presented earlier in this essay.  It seems safer to hide the emotions.  Thus, we travel on and justify, rationalize, reason, intellectualize, make excuses, blame . . . human beings mask the essence of a message in order to relieve the pain.  Then they speak of external barriers?

I cannot speak to my boss; she is a b****!  He is a b******!  We do not speak the same language.  In his culture . . . He could not possibly comprehend.  She is unfamiliar with the language; she will not hear what I say.  He is a man; how could he understand.  You know how women are.  No, tell me.  I have yet to encounter any two that are alike.

I have to wait so that I may speak to him face-to-face.  However, the time never comes.  Thus, you wait and wait for the perfect opportunity.  It never seems to come.  After awhile, you decide it is just too late.  Then you conclude, it is just too late.  Too much has happened since.  I guess I will have to suffer in silence.

Communication can cause such anguish.  It can also bring great pleasure.  The two are not separate; nor are they equal.  They are the sum total of our unique being.  Our background and experiences cause us to feel as we do, hear as we might, understand in the manner that makes sense to us.  We may be critical, cordial, compassionate, or cruel; yet, no matter what our intent, another will perceive our words and deeds through their own filter.

Woes may be similar, worries akin.  You, as I may be apprehensive when confronted with what I perceive is a need to say aloud what I think might be difficult.  I hesitate.  I vacillate.  I hem and hah.  I fear what I might mouth.  In my desire to foil a fight, perhaps I create one? 

When faced with a dilemma I recall the words my Mom uttered, “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.”  Perchance, that would be best; however, it is my experience, what is not stated does far more damage than what be expressed poorly.

If someone comes to me and complains, if they accuse me of doing what was detrimental, do I become defensive.  Might I attack, react, reason, or rationalize.  Whatever I choose I must understand, mere words are not enough to communicate the flood that is within me.  Nor will my statements be all that the other sees, hears, or grasps.  There is far more to an interaction than the superficial sense we have of what was said or done.

Intellectually, I understand the inventory of barriers.  First, there must be a physical proximity before a dialogue can begin.  Yet, how often do you sit with your boss and never say a word when you object to a proposition.  The lack of talk suggests as much as constant chatter.  Yet, silence reveals no more than the sound of words.

Men, women, and children often reside in the same house and rarely share more than a meal.  Many of us know our spouse or siblings as well as we do others, those outside the home.  Some sleep next to a life partner each evening; they hug, kiss, and become intimately intertwined, bodily interlaced.  However, one or both may loathe their lover.  If they have a story to tell, they will not share it with their supposed soul mate. 

When there is a need to speak with an associate, an acquaintance, a parent, a pupil, a physician, a personal trainer, a person that represents a professional organization some people feel safe.  An emotional or physical distance can be grand.  At times, individuals feel freer when with those that do not have the emotional power to hurt them.  A cordon for some is a conduit for others.

For a few, electronic communication is the medium of choice.  Numerous persons feel free to be when they chat in cyberspace.  Apparently, Internet Dating Much More Successful Than Thought. We look for love in all sorts of places.  The desire to connect to another human intimately runs deep.  What we will do for love and what we will say in pursuit of our passion  can have an enormous effect on communication.  When we feel spurned, some of us may say or not express something more profound.  When we are free to be, protected by the net that surrounds an electronic neighborhood, we may let it all fly.  How many of us have received a computer-generated correspondence that bit more than a byte.

While all sorts of online exchanges can be misunderstood, social scientists say that faceless strangers are especially likely to run into problems.  “Through that initial phone call, people become real,” says Susan Barnes, a professor of communication at Rochester Institute of Technology in New York. Simply foregoing common pleasantries can make a message come across as rude-especially if communicators don’t know each other.  A rushed e-mail may give the impression that the exchange is unimportant.  And, because first impressions set the tone for subsequent interaction, Barnes says, the exchange can quickly go downhill.

Nadler says the missing element in electronic communication is rapport, that in-sync state that’s easier to establish in person or by phone.  Facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice-all these social cues are missing in e-mail (and smiley-face “emoticons” can do only so much to replace them).  But because messages travel almost instantly, people act as if they’re in a face-to-face conversation, says David Falcone, a psychology professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia.  Because of this illusion of proximity, we’re duped into thinking we can communicate about touchy subjects, such as disagreements or criticisms, and that the tone of our writing will be perceived correctly.

Furthermore, says Nadler, just because we can send a message anytime doesn’t mean someone is there to receive it.  Yet people often fear a delayed reply is a potential blow-off.

And when we feel slighted, we are more apt to throw a fit via e-mail than we would by phone. “The anonymity of e-mail leads to rudeness,” says Barnes, adding we may not feel accountable, especially if we’ve never actually spoken to the other person.  Even if we mean well, the lack of second-by-second feedback, by which we constantly adjust our words in conversation, can cause us to go on blithely composing messages that will rub the recipient the wrong way.

Nose to nose is not much better for communication.  Granted, common language can be a problem.  Conventionally we understand different dialects hamper our ability to communicate well.  I, as others might offer infinite and general scenarios to demonstrate how language can inhibit effective exchanges.  However, I suspect if you study the dynamics in each you may realize the verbal and nonverbal communication does not cause the problems.  Again, emotions, expectations, inferences, incite disagreements.  The fire in our heart, in our head ignites the flames

With no common history and little interaction outside the workplace, the intersection of the two groups — which is occurring more frequently as Korean business and the Hispanic population boom — has been fraught with tension and cultural misunderstandings.

Ricardo Garcia, 34, complains he wasn’t paid fully by a Korean contractor.  Fermin Soto, a 42-year-old immigrant from Mexico, said he had similar problems with a different contractor, adding that the Korean builder spoke down to Hispanic workers.

The stories have made Ronald Tobar, who hasn’t worked for a Korean employer, wary.

“I’m a little afraid of working for them,” said Tobar, a native of Guatemala. “I hear they are aggressive and strict and give the worst jobs to Hispanics.”

Such perceptions exacerbate tensions between the groups, said Daniel Choi, a lawyer for the Virginia Justice Center, a legal advocacy group for immigrants that mainly represents Hispanics. Many of the workplace problems Choi encounters while working on behalf of Hispanic immigrants against Korean employees are grievances like unpaid wages that have nothing to do with race or culture. Yet, perceptions of ethnic and racial biases often complicate matters.

When Thomas Yoon helped open the Super H Mart store in Fairfax in 2001, he noticed that some older Koreans, raised in the Confucian Korean culture where relationships are dictated by hierarchy and age, were offended that their Hispanic co-workers were tapping them on the shoulder to get their attention.  To the Koreans, the gesture was disrespectful.  To the Hispanic workers, the shoulder tap was simply a means of communication and signaled familiarity and comfort among the workers.

While the difference in language and culture contributes to misunderstanding, I suspect what causes a greater riff is the economic disparity.  Money moves many a heart and a mouth.

A gesture meant to state, “I like you,” may actually connote disdain.  If it seems as though we condescend when in the company of one that thinks them better, or less, that message is felt.  We need not express ourselves aloud.  People hear the unspoken.  Vernacular is victim to much misinterpretation.  Yet, dialect is nothing on balance; a division in dollars can be quite the deal.

Love, money, and power all rolled into one can cause conflict in any liaison.  Often, when people speak of relationships between men and women we hear such tales of deep distress.  In another of the many available lists presented to enlighten, I read gender is a barrier to communication.  The author cited . . .

Gender barriers
There are distinct differences between the speech patterns in a man and those in a woman. A woman speaks between 22,000 and 25,000 words a day whereas a man speaks between 7,000 and 10,000.  In childhood, girls speak earlier than boys and at the age of three, have a vocabulary twice that of boys.

The reason for this lies in the wiring of a man’s and woman’s brains. When a man talks, his speech is located in the left side of the brain but in no specific area.  When a woman talks, the speech is located in both hemispheres and in two specific locations.

This means that a man talks in a linear, logical and compartmentalised way, features of left-brain thinking; whereas a woman talks more freely mixing logic and emotion, features of both sides of the brain.  It also explains why women talk for much longer than men each day.

Ah, that is the excuse used to explain emotional differences.  I marvel at what for me is a deeply held myth.  Men have less words; the male mind is not wired as a woman’s might be.  There is much evidence to support humans are acculturated into the habits they acquire.  Brains are pliable and porous.  From the first, we are taught.  What we learn when we were so very young we believe is natural.  It is our nature to be stoic or expressive.  Boys and girls believe before they are able to grasp there are other options.

In our society, boys are typically told they are hard-wired, hard-hearted, all that they are not.  Male adults model the behavior, for they too were  taught.  Men are persuaded to believe they are not demonstrative; they must not trust in order to survive.  William Pollack, Ph.D. author of Real Boys explains.  He understands as I have all my life; boys feel very deeply and have much to say.  They are “trained” from birth to speak less.

Pollack’s message was a consistent one: The “boy code” imposes a “gender straitjacket” on boys, often leaving them without the experience or the tools to express their emotions safely. . . .

It’s a series of outmoded, unspoken, unwritten rules of conduct by which, for generations, we have brought up boys. According to the code, boys must be tough, stoic, not dependent on others, inexpressive people who are not allowed to share their pain.

Boys feel great pressure to emulate the code’s ideal boy.  Since they always fall short of this impossible ideal, they become frustrated, depressed, and angry.

Once more, we see the effect of emotions concealed.  Emotions cloaked or presented as daggers are the barriers to communication in my mind.

I ponder what for me is most profound.  What we hide from others [and too often from ourselves] hinders a healthy relationship.  With others and self.  Personally, I am haunted by the unspoken.  Ultimately, I conclude that I must speak, but how.

How do I share what works on my mind?  I fear rejection, resentment, rebellion, a reprimand; yet, I understand that my words to him or her may feel as any of these.  It matters not whether I speak with my ward, my protégé, my mentor, or my muse.  Communication is fragile.  Talk is not cheap; it is priceless, so valuable, and yet so vague.

If, as I begin to express myself, I see pain in his eyes, I heart the hurt in his voice, do I apologize for the harm I never intended to cause yet did?  Whether it be in a personal or professional encounter, words can wield as weapons.  Much sorrow is evoked when we offer the most innocent observation. 

A person presumes to know what I meant when I say, “please,” “if you would,” “might I suggest,” and perhaps they are correct.  However, more frequently than not, what each of us hear has more to do with our history than that of the speaker.

As I broach a conversation, I must wonder; yet rarely do we.  Will a wounded soul, and perchance we all are invisibly injured, be able to hear my words, or even let me come close enough to share my deepest anguish?  Will I, the truly impaired individual be able to separate myself from a need to defend myself, when I am so very offended?

Will one so strong and healthy, in appearance, be open to foreboding words of his or her failure to achieve.  As a parent, a sibling, a supervisor, a mentor do I dare mention an error on the part of my muse.  Should I mention the pain I feel when she says I am mistaken or the hurt in my heart when he tells me my every action annoys him?  Do I speak to an associate about their behavior, or my reaction to their demeanor?  In what way do I approach a child, a neighbor, or my closest friend?  There is much I conceal, so many secrets, suppositions, and then there are the suggestions others offer, what might I consider if I hope to communicate effectively.

Last week, in my employ, I was given an assignment.  I was commanded, ordered, directed, told, invited, welcomed, or asked to pen a tome.  The topic would be “barriers to communication.”  Internally I know to my core, I revel in this theme.  For years, I understood, what I wish to do in my life is write and broadly publish volumes of discussions on relationships.  The ways in which we interact fascinates me.  Misinterpretations boggle my mind.  An exchange of ideas, while on the surface is a simple notion.  However, I think there is no endeavor more complex.

I studied this subject extensively over the years; yet, when this request was made, I felt a tinge of resentment.  I wanted to pursue personal prose, those that interest me.  Well, that must not be true, for indeed this discipline moves me as no other.  Yet, on this occasion I had no enthusiasm for in the work.

Nevertheless, I started the research, and discovered the reasons I was less than intrigued.  Numerous sources furnished a simple analysis.  Almost all the references addressed the issue as it pertains to a persons’ professional life or the authors spoke in general.  How could they not?  They do not know us. 

You dear reader, are likely familiar with the conventional wisdom.  What are the barriers and how might we break these.  The words read more than a decade ago resounded in my head.  Stephen Covey, in Seven Principles of Highly Effective Families wrote of how we are not different at work than we are at home.  Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator and Family Coach, also recalls her reveries of Doctor Covey writings. 

Respect for Myself Respect for the Other Person

I have a right to my feelings.  He has a right to his feelings.

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as humans is you can not force others to do as you wish and you must make choices based on this.  The only thing we truly have control over is our own inner thoughts and outer actions.  We can provide information, influence, and suggestions to our loved ones and associates, but the desire to change [or do] must be within the individual.  Accountability and responsibility involves claiming our own power and using our wisdom to create different results in life.

Perhaps, that is what worked within me.  Correctly or not I felt as though I was “expected’ to address communication in a manner contrary to my passion.  It seemed, for whatever reason, I was meant to share techniques and these would guide readers.  I understand that people prefer to peruse outlines.  When asked to look deeper or contemplate the motivations and myths within, frequently men, women, and children state, “And your point is,” as though there is a central focus or a guidebook to assist us in the complexity of communication. 

I struggle with such simplicity.  I fear a tome titled “Communication Made Easy.”  Perhaps billions would willingly purchase a copy of “Communication For Dummies.”  They might read with glee as though they found the answer; however, I cannot author that volume.

Change the way in which you communicate; it is simple, straightforward, and can be accomplished if only you know the steps.  Allow for accessibility.  Be sensitive to false perceptions, those of others, for clearly we are each correct in our ideals.  Consider language and gender differences, even if these only deter communication because we believe they will.  Certainly, address your own interpersonal preferences and change these if they hinder communication, not that you might recognize the difference between your learned habit and what you believe to be your nature.  Nonetheless, break down those barriers.  Yikes!

After I found numerous references that offer an index of solutions, I thought to myself, ‘Fine, surface, as these sources are, so too will be my essay.  I will do the project quickly.  I can supplant and expand on a reference or two.  Then I will have time to work on personal projects as I desire to do.’  The composition need not be glorious.  I have other interests to pursue. 

Again, I remind myself I want to publish prose that discuss the delicate dilemma, how might we best communicate.

I recalled the thousands of workers I have seen in my lifetime.  They all place personal priorities above the menial and meaningless assigned responsibilities.  Even when engaged in a profession they love, people gravitate to the personal.  Why would I be different?

We cannot always complete each tasks with equal vigor.  Not every essay need be a masterpiece, nor will this one be.  I decided, I would pen this treatise without delay or enthusiasm.  [Remembering of course, I love, and wish to write volumes on the topic of communication.]

Just as I was about to begin my labor, the telephone rang.  I received an electronic communication.  Other occupational concerns took precedence.  Then, the daily doings necessary to survive got in my way.  Family situations that needed by full attention mounted.  There were ample distractions.  However, honestly, I knew, I did not wish to work on this tome.  I began to examine why I did not feel as I do when I plunge into a blank page with intention. 

I am told that many do not write or paint for as they gaze upon a blank page or canvas they feel great anxiety.  I rarely experience such a sense of doom or gloom when in front of an empty space, for I feel no voids.  I observe no vacant expanse.  For me, emotions, raw and exposed, threaten my ability to communicate, to complete tasks, to commence, or to accomplish what I wish to achieve.

I realized at least a decade ago, what we experience in our professional lives, closely parallels what occurs in our private lives.  We are not one way at work and another way home.  You or I may wish to believe that we are profound in our profession and a failure domestically.  Perchance we excel in our familial endeavors and flounder in each employ.  Each of us, at times may muse we are different in various aspects of our life.  Yet, in truth, what guides us in one circumstance, leads us to travel down each and every avenue.  Our perceptions are extremely powerful.

Consider the thoughts that occurred to you as you read the various words I used to describe how this project was presented to me.  Some of the terms may have made you cringe.  Those that implied this “assignment” was forced upon me establish that this is an unwelcome endeavor.  I loathe compulsory chores.

Bear in mind the topic that evoked this essay was not my creation; however, it is my life mission.  Nevertheless, if doing this article is not my idea, then, I can resent the “request.”

Most humans prefer to feel as though they have freedom of choice.  I definitely do.  Thus, an assignment feels as an obligation, a duty, a job, a task, and certainly not a personal preference.  If the idea was not mine, even though, in honesty, it is, I might feel put upon. 

My own reaction to a glorious action, an invitation to do, as I deeply desire, can and will change the dynamic of further communication between myself and my “supervisor.’  The barrier, in this incident is as in every other conversation; the way in which I choose to interpret the intention of another affects the entire dialogue.

Might we also examine how the message was delivered?  Did my ’superior’ suggest I compose an essay on \ how we hear what we do and why.  Did he present the notion of such an examination as a possibility or was this exercise required, a mandatory pursuit.  In truth, it would not have mattered what “the man” said or how.  The manner in which my “boss” spoke would not have influenced my reaction as much as the mere fact that he is titled, the “person in charge.”  I am but a subordinate.

In actuality, I am not above or below anyone.  None of us are.  Nor does anyone have the power to demand that we think, say, do, feel, or be, as they desire.  For each of us, our background, experiences, the effect of these and our emotions are the greatest barriers to communication.

We hear what we judge was said.  Every one of us truly thinks that what we believe to be so is valid and perhaps, it is, for us, in that moment.  However, were we to open our minds, hearts, eyes, and souls we might discover another reality.  Author, Dr. Steven Covey shared a story that may help to explain what occurs in every aspect of our lives.

These are deep problems, painful problems — problems that quick fix approaches can’t solve. 
A few years ago, my wife Sandra and I were struggling with this kind of concern. 

One of our sons was having a very difficult time in school.  He was doing poorly academically; he didn’t even know how to follow the instructions on the tests, let alone do well in them.  Socially he was immature, often embarrassing those closest to him.  Athletically, he was small, skinny, and uncoordinated — swinging
his baseball bat, for example, almost before the ball was even pitched.  Others would laugh at him.  Sandra and I were consumed with a desire to help him.  We felt that if “success” were important in any area of life, it was supremely important in our role as parents.

So, we worked on our attitudes and behavior toward him and we tried to work on his.  We attempted to psyche him up using positive mental attitude techniques.  “Come on, son!  You can do it!  We know you can.  Put your hands a little higher on the bat and keep your eye on the ball.  Don’t swing till it gets close to you.”  And if he did a little better, we would go to great lengths to reinforce him.  “That’s good, son, keep it up.”

When others laughed, we reprimanded them.  “Leave him alone.  Get off his back.  He’s just learning.”  And our son would cry, and insist that he’d never be any good, and that he didn’t like baseball anyway  Nothing we did seemed to help, and we were really worried. 

We could see the effect this was having on his self-esteem.  We tried to be encouraging, helpful, and positive, but after repeated failure, we finally drew back and tried to look at the situation on a different level.  At this time in my professional role, I was involved in leadership development work with various
clients throughout the country. 

In that capacity, I was preparing bimonthly programs on the subject of communication and perception for IBM’s Executive Development Program participants.  As I researched and prepared these presentations, I became particularly interested in how perceptions are formed, how they behave.  This led me to a study of expectancy theory, and
self-fulfilling prophecies, or the “Pygmalion effect,” and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. 

It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world, we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world.  As Sandra and I talked about the concepts I was teaching at IBM and about our own situation, we
began to realize that what we were doing to help our son was not in harmony with the way we really saw him.  When we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized that our perception was that
he was basically inadequate, somehow “behind.”

No matter how much we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were ineffective because, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, “You aren’t capable.  You have to be protected.”
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves.
And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.

Perceptions are punitive.  Often we punish others or ourselves unjustly.  After, I read Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, I understood.  Those that judge us most harshly, are far more critical of themselves.  Ultimately, the victim becomes the abuser.  The violence may not be physical.  It may be verbal, emotional, intellectual, each perhaps, far more traumatic than bumps and bruises to the body.  We criticize ourselves just as we were criticized.

When you were young, which of these did you feel more often:

No matter what I do, my parents love me.

I can’t seem to please my parents, no matter what I do.

My parents don’t really notice me.
The answers to such questions reveal more than about our childhood: they also tend to predict how we act in our closest relationships as adults.

Our childhood shapes our brain in many ways - and so determines our most basic ways of reacting to others - for better and for worse.  If we felt well-loved in childhood, we tend to be secure in our relationships - but if not, then we’re more prone to chronic problems.

The primary paradox is that we trust what we believe to be true.  We are so certain that what we understand is accurate, that we cannot imagine how wrong we are.  Perchance, that too is, in large part is the puzzle.

As children, impressionable and desirous of knowledge, many of us were told we were mistaken, in error, at fault.  What we heard is that our essence was flawed.  Parents, Moms, Dads, school Principals, teachers, people we truly admired certainly must know.  These esteemed individuals can see to our core.  Thus, they have the wisdom to describe us as we are.  As we age, what was said to us is what we say to ourselves.  Sadly, rarely do we realize, those revered individuals never stated what we heard, nonetheless, we internalize the identity we adopted so very long ago.  Indeed, neurological studies demonstrate the brain, chemically etches our patterns and our beliefs.

As the week went on and this project hung over my head as a weight, I waited for the load to fall down upon me.  Auspiciously, it did.  However, not in the way I expected.

A very close friend, one that I have known for decades shared a secret he held forever.  He never told another human being.  Yet, what remained hidden revealed itself in an ugly letter.  This kind and gentle man discovered that, a pain he caused in his youth, was known to another.  This other person held her hurt, just as he harbored his.

Each was deeply scarred.  No words were ever spoken.  Interpretations became truth.  Insinuations and implications grew in intensity.  The mind filled in for what was never spoken of.  Each of these individuals now five and six decades old, is wounded in ways one would never imagine to look at them.

While both have a semblance of success, the circumstances, never communicated, has hindered their growth.  They have achieved financially, although that was not enough to compensate for the horror they felt and hide.  His and her accomplishments were inadequate; they did not fill the void left by the unmentionable.  The health of each, physically, mentally, emotionally, and possibly intellectually suffered.  Neither felt worthy of awards or accolades.

She blames him.  He placed the onus on himself.  Perhaps, deep down she thinks she was responsible for  the trauma.  We cannot know for sure.  She refuses to engage in a significant exchange.  He shutters.  How might he ever repent.  The hidden hurt now exposed; yet still not discussed scars the hearts more deeply.

A life, two lives ended long ago because there were barriers to communication.  It matters not what the blockades were; nor is it important that we know the specifics of what happened oh so very long ago.  The details, indeed, might allow us to feel separate or superior.  “That would never happen to me.”  What occurs often, in the lives of every human being is we, I, do not communicate when we must.  When we do, frequently we are defensive.

As a species, we’re not very skilled at talking about tough topics.

Sure, we can gather our courage and blurt out what’s been bothering us for weeks, months, or even years.  We get it out, unload, and move on, leaving hurt feelings and the seeds of another misunderstanding in our wake.

Part of the problem, Harvard researchers say, is that we approach such confrontations thinking that we not only understand our own point of view, but we also believe we know for sure what the other person did, said, and thought on the subject.  And we think our view is right.

But in fact, they say, we’re usually wrong, which explains why these kinds of talks often go so badly.

“When we get into difficult interpersonal conflicts, it’s not very natural for us to see the conflict from the other person’s point of view,” said Douglas Stone, associate director of the Harvard Negotiation Project.  “But it’s a skill that is crucial to learn.”

empathy, I believe is the best educator.  I cannot ever truly know whom you are within.  When I enter into a conversation, a negotiation, a conciliation, or a concession with a close mind, certain that you are less than I, then, communication will be but a dream.  If we are to remove the force that keeps us separate we must listen, place ourselves where we have never been, in the heart, mind, and soul of another.

In fact, the way most of us broach difficult topics dooms the conversation from the start, they say. Openings such as “I think we should discuss why you’ve been so inconsiderate lately,” immediately put the other person on the defensive and leads to an “I have not been inconsiderate” response rather than a talk about why he or she has been getting in at 1 a.m. and waking you up by playing the stereo.

Instead of venting your opinion, the researchers say, you should do at least as much learning about the other person’s point of view as you do talking about your own. Perhaps the person is playing music so late because he or she works two jobs to make ends meet and this is the only time available to study for a history of music course.

Without asking, you’ll never know.

“Go in and remember to inquire as much as you tell your story,” said Bruce Patton, the Negotiation Project’s deputy director.

The greatest barrier to communication is I.  You, he, and she are as I.  Too often, we talk and do not listen.  We hear what we plan to say.  The words of a friend, a family member, and a fellow worker are frequently background noise to our own thoughts.  What escapes from the lips of our neighbor falls to the ground.  We are consumed with emotions; thus, rarely do we communicate completely with compassion.

I invite you to look at yourself, the way in which you interact with others at home or at work.  Do you invite discussion?  Might you embrace an opportunity to learn, to discover, or to authentically connect, or do you prefer to be in control.

Please consider we can never imagine what is within another.  Why they did as they did.  Please trust, if you are hurt, so too are they.  I know it is hard to accept that he or she did not mean to demean, destroy, or diminish your worth.  Sadly, they, as you have emotions, raw, and exposed to the elements.

If you wish to end the madness, remove the line of defense, the molehill in your mind and heart that is now a mountain.  The barrier to communication is the one, or many, you, I, we create.

Intelligence is Emotional; Empathy is the Best Educator . . .

copyright © 2007 Betsy L. Angert

We each experience many obstructions everyday of our lives.  There are physical fences we cannot or will not climb.  A roadblock might impede our progress on the thoroughfare.  Distance does us in.  Many do not wish to venture beyond familiar neighborhoods.  Proximity can limit our travel.  Time is an interesting concept.  Although, man created seconds, minutes, hours, and days, few of us seem able to separate ourselves from this obstacle. 

As difficult as it might be to ford the river or sea, nothing compares with the challenge we feel when we know there is a need discuss subjects that cause us to feel defensive.  Delicate topics are taboo too.  Conversations of all sorts are difficult.  Personal or professional, what we say aloud and what we do not can cause palms to sweat, hands to clam, pulses to race, and a person to pace.  The heart is easily torn to pieces.  The head hurts at the thought of what might be a threat.  Communication can cleave, or calm; it can be the greatest bridge or the barrier that destroys a connection.

As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.
As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.

As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.

Personally, I do not presume to know what any individual must do to ensure that in their life, communications will be effective.  Nor do I believe that any expert in linguistics can carve a path for you to pursue.  As I share a tale or two, I trust you dear reader will relate as humans do, from your own life experience.  Perchance that is the essential.  We encounter, exchange, empathize, and grow.  Life is an evolution with no singular solution.  Lets us stroll down this path together, and discover the knowledge available to each of us.  If we dare to dive more deeply than we do when we just talk, oh what treasures we might find.  Let us look at the barriers to communication and examine ways to build bridges.

When we survey the research, we find the obscure and the obvious.  Broad statements, outlines that obfuscate or abstract are available.  Perhaps, we can fill in the blanks or read between the lines.  Some of the script seems basic, easy to comprehend.

Barriers to Communication

Physical (time, environment, comfort, needs, physical medium)

Cultural (ethnic, religious, and social differences)

Perceptional (viewing what is said from your own mindset)

Motivational (mental inertia)

Experiential (lack of similar experience)

Emotional (personal feelings at the moment)

Linguistic (different languages or vocabulary)

Non-verbal (non-word messages)

Competition (noise, doing other things besides listening)

Words (we assign a meaning to a word often because of culture — note the difference in the meaning of “police” (contrast [affluent neighborhoods] or any inner city perspective) or  “boy” (contrast white male with black male perspectives)

Context (high / low)

Purpose 

Mode (differences in way a message is sent)

Gestures (misunderstood gestures are a major barrier see discussion on non-verbal language)

Variations in language - accent, dialect

Slang - jargon - colloquialism

Different forms or reasons for verbal interaction

Dueling - seeing who can get the upper hand (playing the dozens)

Repartee conversation - taking short turns rather than monologue

Ritual conversation - standard replies with little meaning to words themselves (i.e. most US greetings)

Self-disclosure.

That last element is the one that tugs at heart.  It is the hardest for many to accept or act on.  Yet, in my life open discourse is essential if we wish to cultivate enjoyment.  Communication, when effective brings closeness, counter to what our fears cause us to believe.

I see you shake your head and say, no that is not so.  You might think, “How can I reveal of what lies deep within me.”  People will not understand.  They may ridicule, rebuff, or resent my beliefs.  ‘Tis true; they might in the moment.  At first blush, people can be reactive.  However, think of a time when you did not tell someone your deepest secret.  Did that not weigh heavily or your heart.  Often, we snub ourselves more severely than others might. 

In our communication with self, we do exactly what we think others will do if they knew.  We shun us.  We deny our feelings.  The passion that pulses through our veins is veiled, just as it is in the dry list I presented earlier in this essay.  It seems safer to hide the emotions.  Thus, we travel on and justify, rationalize, reason, intellectualize, make excuses, blame . . . human beings mask the essence of a message in order to relieve the pain.  Then they speak of external barriers?

I cannot speak to my boss; she is a b****!  He is a b******!  We do not speak the same language.  In his culture . . . He could not possibly comprehend.  She is unfamiliar with the language; she will not hear what I say.  He is a man; how could he understand.  You know how women are.  No, tell me.  I have yet to encounter any two that are alike.

I have to wait so that I may speak to him face-to-face.  However, the time never comes.  Thus, you wait and wait for the perfect opportunity.  It never seems to come.  After awhile, you decide it is just too late.  Then you conclude, it is just too late.  Too much has happened since.  I guess I will have to suffer in silence.

Communication can cause such anguish.  It can also bring great pleasure.  The two are not separate; nor are they equal.  They are the sum total of our unique being.  Our background and experiences cause us to feel as we do, hear as we might, understand in the manner that makes sense to us.  We may be critical, cordial, compassionate, or cruel; yet, no matter what our intent, another will perceive our words and deeds through their own filter.

Woes may be similar, worries akin.  You, as I may be apprehensive when confronted with what I perceive is a need to say aloud what I think might be difficult.  I hesitate.  I vacillate.  I hem and hah.  I fear what I might mouth.  In my desire to foil a fight, perhaps I create one? 

When faced with a dilemma I recall the words my Mom uttered, “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.”  Perchance, that would be best; however, it is my experience, what is not stated does far more damage than what be expressed poorly.

If someone comes to me and complains, if they accuse me of doing what was detrimental, do I become defensive.  Might I attack, react, reason, or rationalize.  Whatever I choose I must understand, mere words are not enough to communicate the flood that is within me.  Nor will my statements be all that the other sees, hears, or grasps.  There is far more to an interaction than the superficial sense we have of what was said or done.

Intellectually, I understand the inventory of barriers.  First, there must be a physical proximity before a dialogue can begin.  Yet, how often do you sit with your boss and never say a word when you object to a proposition.  The lack of talk suggests as much as constant chatter.  Yet, silence reveals no more than the sound of words.

Men, women, and children often reside in the same house and rarely share more than a meal.  Many of us know our spouse or siblings as well as we do others, those outside the home.  Some sleep next to a life partner each evening; they hug, kiss, and become intimately intertwined, bodily interlaced.  However, one or both may loathe their lover.  If they have a story to tell, they will not share it with their supposed soul mate. 

When there is a need to speak with an associate, an acquaintance, a parent, a pupil, a physician, a personal trainer, a person that represents a professional organization some people feel safe.  An emotional or physical distance can be grand.  At times, individuals feel freer when with those that do not have the emotional power to hurt them.  A cordon for some is a conduit for others.

For a few, electronic communication is the medium of choice.  Numerous persons feel free to be when they chat in cyberspace.  Apparently, Internet Dating Much More Successful Than Thought. We look for love in all sorts of places.  The desire to connect to another human intimately runs deep.  What we will do for love and what we will say in pursuit of our passion  can have an enormous effect on communication.  When we feel spurned, some of us may say or not express something more profound.  When we are free to be, protected by the net that surrounds an electronic neighborhood, we may let it all fly.  How many of us have received a computer-generated correspondence that bit more than a byte.

While all sorts of online exchanges can be misunderstood, social scientists say that faceless strangers are especially likely to run into problems.  “Through that initial phone call, people become real,” says Susan Barnes, a professor of communication at Rochester Institute of Technology in New York. Simply foregoing common pleasantries can make a message come across as rude-especially if communicators don’t know each other.  A rushed e-mail may give the impression that the exchange is unimportant.  And, because first impressions set the tone for subsequent interaction, Barnes says, the exchange can quickly go downhill.

Nadler says the missing element in electronic communication is rapport, that in-sync state that’s easier to establish in person or by phone.  Facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice-all these social cues are missing in e-mail (and smiley-face “emoticons” can do only so much to replace them).  But because messages travel almost instantly, people act as if they’re in a face-to-face conversation, says David Falcone, a psychology professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia.  Because of this illusion of proximity, we’re duped into thinking we can communicate about touchy subjects, such as disagreements or criticisms, and that the tone of our writing will be perceived correctly.

Furthermore, says Nadler, just because we can send a message anytime doesn’t mean someone is there to receive it.  Yet people often fear a delayed reply is a potential blow-off.

And when we feel slighted, we are more apt to throw a fit via e-mail than we would by phone. “The anonymity of e-mail leads to rudeness,” says Barnes, adding we may not feel accountable, especially if we’ve never actually spoken to the other person.  Even if we mean well, the lack of second-by-second feedback, by which we constantly adjust our words in conversation, can cause us to go on blithely composing messages that will rub the recipient the wrong way.

Nose to nose is not much better for communication.  Granted, common language can be a problem.  Conventionally we understand different dialects hamper our ability to communicate well.  I, as others might offer infinite and general scenarios to demonstrate how language can inhibit effective exchanges.  However, I suspect if you study the dynamics in each you may realize the verbal and nonverbal communication does not cause the problems.  Again, emotions, expectations, inferences, incite disagreements.  The fire in our heart, in our head ignites the flames

With no common history and little interaction outside the workplace, the intersection of the two groups — which is occurring more frequently as Korean business and the Hispanic population boom — has been fraught with tension and cultural misunderstandings.

Ricardo Garcia, 34, complains he wasn’t paid fully by a Korean contractor.  Fermin Soto, a 42-year-old immigrant from Mexico, said he had similar problems with a different contractor, adding that the Korean builder spoke down to Hispanic workers.

The stories have made Ronald Tobar, who hasn’t worked for a Korean employer, wary.

“I’m a little afraid of working for them,” said Tobar, a native of Guatemala. “I hear they are aggressive and strict and give the worst jobs to Hispanics.”

Such perceptions exacerbate tensions between the groups, said Daniel Choi, a lawyer for the Virginia Justice Center, a legal advocacy group for immigrants that mainly represents Hispanics. Many of the workplace problems Choi encounters while working on behalf of Hispanic immigrants against Korean employees are grievances like unpaid wages that have nothing to do with race or culture. Yet, perceptions of ethnic and racial biases often complicate matters.

When Thomas Yoon helped open the Super H Mart store in Fairfax in 2001, he noticed that some older Koreans, raised in the Confucian Korean culture where relationships are dictated by hierarchy and age, were offended that their Hispanic co-workers were tapping them on the shoulder to get their attention.  To the Koreans, the gesture was disrespectful.  To the Hispanic workers, the shoulder tap was simply a means of communication and signaled familiarity and comfort among the workers.

While the difference in language and culture contributes to misunderstanding, I suspect what causes a greater riff is the economic disparity.  Money moves many a heart and a mouth.

A gesture meant to state, “I like you,” may actually connote disdain.  If it seems as though we condescend when in the company of one that thinks them better, or less, that message is felt.  We need not express ourselves aloud.  People hear the unspoken.  Vernacular is victim to much misinterpretation.  Yet, dialect is nothing on balance; a division in dollars can be quite the deal.

Love, money, and power all rolled into one can cause conflict in any liaison.  Often, when people speak of relationships between men and women we hear such tales of deep distress.  In another of the many available lists presented to enlighten, I read gender is a barrier to communication.  The author cited . . .

Gender barriers
There are distinct differences between the speech patterns in a man and those in a woman. A woman speaks between 22,000 and 25,000 words a day whereas a man speaks between 7,000 and 10,000.  In childhood, girls speak earlier than boys and at the age of three, have a vocabulary twice that of boys.

The reason for this lies in the wiring of a man’s and woman’s brains. When a man talks, his speech is located in the left side of the brain but in no specific area.  When a woman talks, the speech is located in both hemispheres and in two specific locations.

This means that a man talks in a linear, logical and compartmentalised way, features of left-brain thinking; whereas a woman talks more freely mixing logic and emotion, features of both sides of the brain.  It also explains why women talk for much longer than men each day.

Ah, that is the excuse used to explain emotional differences.  I marvel at what for me is a deeply held myth.  Men have less words; the male mind is not wired as a woman’s might be.  There is much evidence to support humans are acculturated into the habits they acquire.  Brains are pliable and porous.  From the first, we are taught.  What we learn when we were so very young we believe is natural.  It is our nature to be stoic or expressive.  Boys and girls believe before they are able to grasp there are other options.

In our society, boys are typically told they are hard-wired, hard-hearted, all that they are not.  Male adults model the behavior, for they too were  taught.  Men are persuaded to believe they are not demonstrative; they must not trust in order to survive.  William Pollack, Ph.D. author of Real Boys explains.  He understands as I have all my life; boys feel very deeply and have much to say.  They are “trained” from birth to speak less.

Pollack’s message was a consistent one: The “boy code” imposes a “gender straitjacket” on boys, often leaving them without the experience or the tools to express their emotions safely. . . .

It’s a series of outmoded, unspoken, unwritten rules of conduct by which, for generations, we have brought up boys. According to the code, boys must be tough, stoic, not dependent on others, inexpressive people who are not allowed to share their pain.

Boys feel great pressure to emulate the code’s ideal boy.  Since they always fall short of this impossible ideal, they become frustrated, depressed, and angry.

Once more, we see the effect of emotions concealed.  Emotions cloaked or presented as daggers are the barriers to communication in my mind.

I ponder what for me is most profound.  What we hide from others [and too often from ourselves] hinders a healthy relationship.  With others and self.  Personally, I am haunted by the unspoken.  Ultimately, I conclude that I must speak, but how.

How do I share what works on my mind?  I fear rejection, resentment, rebellion, a reprimand; yet, I understand that my words to him or her may feel as any of these.  It matters not whether I speak with my ward, my protégé, my mentor, or my muse.  Communication is fragile.  Talk is not cheap; it is priceless, so valuable, and yet so vague.

If, as I begin to express myself, I see pain in his eyes, I heart the hurt in his voice, do I apologize for the harm I never intended to cause yet did?  Whether it be in a personal or professional encounter, words can wield as weapons.  Much sorrow is evoked when we offer the most innocent observation. 

A person presumes to know what I meant when I say, “please,” “if you would,” “might I suggest,” and perhaps they are correct.  However, more frequently than not, what each of us hear has more to do with our history than that of the speaker.

As I broach a conversation, I must wonder; yet rarely do we.  Will a wounded soul, and perchance we all are invisibly injured, be able to hear my words, or even let me come close enough to share my deepest anguish?  Will I, the truly impaired individual be able to separate myself from a need to defend myself, when I am so very offended?

Will one so strong and healthy, in appearance, be open to foreboding words of his or her failure to achieve.  As a parent, a sibling, a supervisor, a mentor do I dare mention an error on the part of my muse.  Should I mention the pain I feel when she says I am mistaken or the hurt in my heart when he tells me my every action annoys him?  Do I speak to an associate about their behavior, or my reaction to their demeanor?  In what way do I approach a child, a neighbor, or my closest friend?  There is much I conceal, so many secrets, suppositions, and then there are the suggestions others offer, what might I consider if I hope to communicate effectively.

Last week, in my employ, I was given an assignment.  I was commanded, ordered, directed, told, invited, welcomed, or asked to pen a tome.  The topic would be “barriers to communication.”  Internally I know to my core, I revel in this theme.  For years, I understood, what I wish to do in my life is write and broadly publish volumes of discussions on relationships.  The ways in which we interact fascinates me.  Misinterpretations boggle my mind.  An exchange of ideas, while on the surface is a simple notion.  However, I think there is no endeavor more complex.

I studied this subject extensively over the years; yet, when this request was made, I felt a tinge of resentment.  I wanted to pursue personal prose, those that interest me.  Well, that must not be true, for indeed this discipline moves me as no other.  Yet, on this occasion I had no enthusiasm for in the work.

Nevertheless, I started the research, and discovered the reasons I was less than intrigued.  Numerous sources furnished a simple analysis.  Almost all the references addressed the issue as it pertains to a persons’ professional life or the authors spoke in general.  How could they not?  They do not know us. 

You dear reader, are likely familiar with the conventional wisdom.  What are the barriers and how might we break these.  The words read more than a decade ago resounded in my head.  Stephen Covey, in Seven Principles of Highly Effective Families wrote of how we are not different at work than we are at home.  Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator and Family Coach, also recalls her reveries of Doctor Covey writings. 

Respect for Myself Respect for the Other Person

I have a right to my feelings.  He has a right to his feelings.

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as humans is you can not force others to do as you wish and you must make choices based on this.  The only thing we truly have control over is our own inner thoughts and outer actions.  We can provide information, influence, and suggestions to our loved ones and associates, but the desire to change [or do] must be within the individual.  Accountability and responsibility involves claiming our own power and using our wisdom to create different results in life.

Perhaps, that is what worked within me.  Correctly or not I felt as though I was “expected’ to address communication in a manner contrary to my passion.  It seemed, for whatever reason, I was meant to share techniques and these would guide readers.  I understand that people prefer to peruse outlines.  When asked to look deeper or contemplate the motivations and myths within, frequently men, women, and children state, “And your point is,” as though there is a central focus or a guidebook to assist us in the complexity of communication. 

I struggle with such simplicity.  I fear a tome titled “Communication Made Easy.”  Perhaps billions would willingly purchase a copy of “Communication For Dummies.”  They might read with glee as though they found the answer; however, I cannot author that volume.

Change the way in which you communicate; it is simple, straightforward, and can be accomplished if only you know the steps.  Allow for accessibility.  Be sensitive to false perceptions, those of others, for clearly we are each correct in our ideals.  Consider language and gender differences, even if these only deter communication because we believe they will.  Certainly, address your own interpersonal preferences and change these if they hinder communication, not that you might recognize the difference between your learned habit and what you believe to be your nature.  Nonetheless, break down those barriers.  Yikes!

After I found numerous references that offer an index of solutions, I thought to myself, ‘Fine, surface, as these sources are, so too will be my essay.  I will do the project quickly.  I can supplant and expand on a reference or two.  Then I will have time to work on personal projects as I desire to do.’  The composition need not be glorious.  I have other interests to pursue. 

Again, I remind myself I want to publish prose that discuss the delicate dilemma, how might we best communicate.

I recalled the thousands of workers I have seen in my lifetime.  They all place personal priorities above the menial and meaningless assigned responsibilities.  Even when engaged in a profession they love, people gravitate to the personal.  Why would I be different?

We cannot always complete each tasks with equal vigor.  Not every essay need be a masterpiece, nor will this one be.  I decided, I would pen this treatise without delay or enthusiasm.  [Remembering of course, I love, and wish to write volumes on the topic of communication.]

Just as I was about to begin my labor, the telephone rang.  I received an electronic communication.  Other occupational concerns took precedence.  Then, the daily doings necessary to survive got in my way.  Family situations that needed by full attention mounted.  There were ample distractions.  However, honestly, I knew, I did not wish to work on this tome.  I began to examine why I did not feel as I do when I plunge into a blank page with intention. 

I am told that many do not write or paint for as they gaze upon a blank page or canvas they feel great anxiety.  I rarely experience such a sense of doom or gloom when in front of an empty space, for I feel no voids.  I observe no vacant expanse.  For me, emotions, raw and exposed, threaten my ability to communicate, to complete tasks, to commence, or to accomplish what I wish to achieve.

I realized at least a decade ago, what we experience in our professional lives, closely parallels what occurs in our private lives.  We are not one way at work and another way home.  You or I may wish to believe that we are profound in our profession and a failure domestically.  Perchance we excel in our familial endeavors and flounder in each employ.  Each of us, at times may muse we are different in various aspects of our life.  Yet, in truth, what guides us in one circumstance, leads us to travel down each and every avenue.  Our perceptions are extremely powerful.

Consider the thoughts that occurred to you as you read the various words I used to describe how this project was presented to me.  Some of the terms may have made you cringe.  Those that implied this “assignment” was forced upon me establish that this is an unwelcome endeavor.  I loathe compulsory chores.

Bear in mind the topic that evoked this essay was not my creation; however, it is my life mission.  Nevertheless, if doing this article is not my idea, then, I can resent the “request.”

Most humans prefer to feel as though they have freedom of choice.  I definitely do.  Thus, an assignment feels as an obligation, a duty, a job, a task, and certainly not a personal preference.  If the idea was not mine, even though, in honesty, it is, I might feel put upon. 

My own reaction to a glorious action, an invitation to do, as I deeply desire, can and will change the dynamic of further communication between myself and my “supervisor.’  The barrier, in this incident is as in every other conversation; the way in which I choose to interpret the intention of another affects the entire dialogue.

Might we also examine how the message was delivered?  Did my ’superior’ suggest I compose an essay on \ how we hear what we do and why.  Did he present the notion of such an examination as a possibility or was this exercise required, a mandatory pursuit.  In truth, it would not have mattered what “the man” said or how.  The manner in which my “boss” spoke would not have influenced my reaction as much as the mere fact that he is titled, the “person in charge.”  I am but a subordinate.

In actuality, I am not above or below anyone.  None of us are.  Nor does anyone have the power to demand that we think, say, do, feel, or be, as they desire.  For each of us, our background, experiences, the effect of these and our emotions are the greatest barriers to communication.

We hear what we judge was said.  Every one of us truly thinks that what we believe to be so is valid and perhaps, it is, for us, in that moment.  However, were we to open our minds, hearts, eyes, and souls we might discover another reality.  Author, Dr. Steven Covey shared a story that may help to explain what occurs in every aspect of our lives.

These are deep problems, painful problems — problems that quick fix approaches can’t solve. 
A few years ago, my wife Sandra and I were struggling with this kind of concern. 

One of our sons was having a very difficult time in school.  He was doing poorly academically; he didn’t even know how to follow the instructions on the tests, let alone do well in them.  Socially he was immature, often embarrassing those closest to him.  Athletically, he was small, skinny, and uncoordinated — swinging
his baseball bat, for example, almost before the ball was even pitched.  Others would laugh at him.  Sandra and I were consumed with a desire to help him.  We felt that if “success” were important in any area of life, it was supremely important in our role as parents.

So, we worked on our attitudes and behavior toward him and we tried to work on his.  We attempted to psyche him up using positive mental attitude techniques.  “Come on, son!  You can do it!  We know you can.  Put your hands a little higher on the bat and keep your eye on the ball.  Don’t swing till it gets close to you.”  And if he did a little better, we would go to great lengths to reinforce him.  “That’s good, son, keep it up.”

When others laughed, we reprimanded them.  “Leave him alone.  Get off his back.  He’s just learning.”  And our son would cry, and insist that he’d never be any good, and that he didn’t like baseball anyway  Nothing we did seemed to help, and we were really worried. 

We could see the effect this was having on his self-esteem.  We tried to be encouraging, helpful, and positive, but after repeated failure, we finally drew back and tried to look at the situation on a different level.  At this time in my professional role, I was involved in leadership development work with various
clients throughout the country. 

In that capacity, I was preparing bimonthly programs on the subject of communication and perception for IBM’s Executive Development Program participants.  As I researched and prepared these presentations, I became particularly interested in how perceptions are formed, how they behave.  This led me to a study of expectancy theory, and
self-fulfilling prophecies, or the “Pygmalion effect,” and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. 

It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world, we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world.  As Sandra and I talked about the concepts I was teaching at IBM and about our own situation, we
began to realize that what we were doing to help our son was not in harmony with the way we really saw him.  When we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized that our perception was that
he was basically inadequate, somehow “behind.”

No matter how much we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were ineffective because, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, “You aren’t capable.  You have to be protected.”
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves.
And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.

Perceptions are punitive.  Often we punish others or ourselves unjustly.  After, I read Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, I understood.  Those that judge us most harshly, are far more critical of themselves.  Ultimately, the victim becomes the abuser.  The violence may not be physical.  It may be verbal, emotional, intellectual, each perhaps, far more traumatic than bumps and bruises to the body.  We criticize ourselves just as we were criticized.

When you were young, which of these did you feel more often:

No matter what I do, my parents love me.

I can’t seem to please my parents, no matter what I do.

My parents don’t really notice me.
The answers to such questions reveal more than about our childhood: they also tend to predict how we act in our closest relationships as adults.

Our childhood shapes our brain in many ways - and so determines our most basic ways of reacting to others - for better and for worse.  If we felt well-loved in childhood, we tend to be secure in our relationships - but if not, then we’re more prone to chronic problems.

The primary paradox is that we trust what we believe to be true.  We are so certain that what we understand is accurate, that we cannot imagine how wrong we are.  Perchance, that too is, in large part is the puzzle.

As children, impressionable and desirous of knowledge, many of us were told we were mistaken, in error, at fault.  What we heard is that our essence was flawed.  Parents, Moms, Dads, school Principals, teachers, people we truly admired certainly must know.  These esteemed individuals can see to our core.  Thus, they have the wisdom to describe us as we are.  As we age, what was said to us is what we say to ourselves.  Sadly, rarely do we realize, those revered individuals never stated what we heard, nonetheless, we internalize the identity we adopted so very long ago.  Indeed, neurological studies demonstrate the brain, chemically etches our patterns and our beliefs.

As the week went on and this project hung over my head as a weight, I waited for the load to fall down upon me.  Auspiciously, it did.  However, not in the way I expected.

A very close friend, one that I have known for decades shared a secret he held forever.  He never told another human being.  Yet, what remained hidden revealed itself in an ugly letter.  This kind and gentle man discovered that, a pain he caused in his youth, was known to another.  This other person held her hurt, just as he harbored his.

Each was deeply scarred.  No words were ever spoken.  Interpretations became truth.  Insinuations and implications grew in intensity.  The mind filled in for what was never spoken of.  Each of these individuals now five and six decades old, is wounded in ways one would never imagine to look at them.

While both have a semblance of success, the circumstances, never communicated, has hindered their growth.  They have achieved financially, although that was not enough to compensate for the horror they felt and hide.  His and her accomplishments were inadequate; they did not fill the void left by the unmentionable.  The health of each, physically, mentally, emotionally, and possibly intellectually suffered.  Neither felt worthy of awards or accolades.

She blames him.  He placed the onus on himself.  Perhaps, deep down she thinks she was responsible for  the trauma.  We cannot know for sure.  She refuses to engage in a significant exchange.  He shutters.  How might he ever repent.  The hidden hurt now exposed; yet still not discussed scars the hearts more deeply.

A life, two lives ended long ago because there were barriers to communication.  It matters not what the blockades were; nor is it important that we know the specifics of what happened oh so very long ago.  The details, indeed, might allow us to feel separate or superior.  “That would never happen to me.”  What occurs often, in the lives of every human being is we, I, do not communicate when we must.  When we do, frequently we are defensive.

As a species, we’re not very skilled at talking about tough topics.

Sure, we can gather our courage and blurt out what’s been bothering us for weeks, months, or even years.  We get it out, unload, and move on, leaving hurt feelings and the seeds of another misunderstanding in our wake.

Part of the problem, Harvard researchers say, is that we approach such confrontations thinking that we not only understand our own point of view, but we also believe we know for sure what the other person did, said, and thought on the subject.  And we think our view is right.

But in fact, they say, we’re usually wrong, which explains why these kinds of talks often go so badly.

“When we get into difficult interpersonal conflicts, it’s not very natural for us to see the conflict from the other person’s point of view,” said Douglas Stone, associate director of the Harvard Negotiation Project.  “But it’s a skill that is crucial to learn.”

empathy, I believe is the best educator.  I cannot ever truly know whom you are within.  When I enter into a conversation, a negotiation, a conciliation, or a concession with a close mind, certain that you are less than I, then, communication will be but a dream.  If we are to remove the force that keeps us separate we must listen, place ourselves where we have never been, in the heart, mind, and soul of another.

In fact, the way most of us broach difficult topics dooms the conversation from the start, they say. Openings such as “I think we should discuss why you’ve been so inconsiderate lately,” immediately put the other person on the defensive and leads to an “I have not been inconsiderate” response rather than a talk about why he or she has been getting in at 1 a.m. and waking you up by playing the stereo.

Instead of venting your opinion, the researchers say, you should do at least as much learning about the other person’s point of view as you do talking about your own. Perhaps the person is playing music so late because he or she works two jobs to make ends meet and this is the only time available to study for a history of music course.

Without asking, you’ll never know.

“Go in and remember to inquire as much as you tell your story,” said Bruce Patton, the Negotiation Project’s deputy director.

The greatest barrier to communication is I.  You, he, and she are as I.  Too often, we talk and do not listen.  We hear what we plan to say.  The words of a friend, a family member, and a fellow worker are frequently background noise to our own thoughts.  What escapes from the lips of our neighbor falls to the ground.  We are consumed with emotions; thus, rarely do we communicate completely with compassion.

I invite you to look at yourself, the way in which you interact with others at home or at work.  Do you invite discussion?  Might you embrace an opportunity to learn, to discover, or to authentically connect, or do you prefer to be in control.

Please consider we can never imagine what is within another.  Why they did as they did.  Please trust, if you are hurt, so too are they.  I know it is hard to accept that he or she did not mean to demean, destroy, or diminish your worth.  Sadly, they, as you have emotions, raw, and exposed to the elements.

If you wish to end the madness, remove the line of defense, the molehill in your mind and heart that is now a mountain.  The barrier to communication is the one, or many, you, I, we create.

Intelligence is Emotional; Empathy is the Best Educator . . .

copyright © 2007 Betsy L. Angert

We each experience many obstructions everyday of our lives.  There are physical fences we cannot or will not climb.  A roadblock might impede our progress on the thoroughfare.  Distance does us in.  Many do not wish to venture beyond familiar neighborhoods.  Proximity can limit our travel.  Time is an interesting concept.  Although, man created seconds, minutes, hours, and days, few of us seem able to separate ourselves from this obstacle. 

As difficult as it might be to ford the river or sea, nothing compares with the challenge we feel when we know there is a need discuss subjects that cause us to feel defensive.  Delicate topics are taboo too.  Conversations of all sorts are difficult.  Personal or professional, what we say aloud and what we do not can cause palms to sweat, hands to clam, pulses to race, and a person to pace.  The heart is easily torn to pieces.  The head hurts at the thought of what might be a threat.  Communication can cleave, or calm; it can be the greatest bridge or the barrier that destroys a connection.

As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.
As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.

As I approach a theme that is ubiquitous, I realize Communication is the least understood construct in our lives.  I could attempt to discuss what we do easily and yet struggle with from a singular perspective, that of an educator, a parent, a sibling, an employee, or a supervisor; however, I fear what I frequently experience.  If I endeavor to illustrate what occurs when, or how, from a particular perspective people will do what they typically do; they will isolate an incident, and intentionally or not ignore the essence of this discussion, emotions.

Personally, I do not presume to know what any individual must do to ensure that in their life, communications will be effective.  Nor do I believe that any expert in linguistics can carve a path for you to pursue.  As I share a tale or two, I trust you dear reader will relate as humans do, from your own life experience.  Perchance that is the essential.  We encounter, exchange, empathize, and grow.  Life is an evolution with no singular solution.  Lets us stroll down this path together, and discover the knowledge available to each of us.  If we dare to dive more deeply than we do when we just talk, oh what treasures we might find.  Let us look at the barriers to communication and examine ways to build bridges.

When we survey the research, we find the obscure and the obvious.  Broad statements, outlines that obfuscate or abstract are available.  Perhaps, we can fill in the blanks or read between the lines.  Some of the script seems basic, easy to comprehend.

Barriers to Communication

Physical (time, environment, comfort, needs, physical medium)

Cultural (ethnic, religious, and social differences)

Perceptional (viewing what is said from your own mindset)

Motivational (mental inertia)

Experiential (lack of similar experience)

Emotional (personal feelings at the moment)

Linguistic (different languages or vocabulary)

Non-verbal (non-word messages)

Competition (noise, doing other things besides listening)

Words (we assign a meaning to a word often because of culture — note the difference in the meaning of “police” (contrast [affluent neighborhoods] or any inner city perspective) or  “boy” (contrast white male with black male perspectives)

Context (high / low)

Purpose 

Mode (differences in way a message is sent)

Gestures (misunderstood gestures are a major barrier see discussion on non-verbal language)

Variations in language - accent, dialect

Slang - jargon - colloquialism

Different forms or reasons for verbal interaction

Dueling - seeing who can get the upper hand (playing the dozens)

Repartee conversation - taking short turns rather than monologue

Ritual conversation - standard replies with little meaning to words themselves (i.e. most US greetings)

Self-disclosure.

That last element is the one that tugs at heart.  It is the hardest for many to accept or act on.  Yet, in my life open discourse is essential if we wish to cultivate enjoyment.  Communication, when effective brings closeness, counter to what our fears cause us to believe.

I see you shake your head and say, no that is not so.  You might think, “How can I reveal of what lies deep within me.”  People will not understand.  They may ridicule, rebuff, or resent my beliefs.  ‘Tis true; they might in the moment.  At first blush, people can be reactive.  However, think of a time when you did not tell someone your deepest secret.  Did that not weigh heavily or your heart.  Often, we snub ourselves more severely than others might. 

In our communication with self, we do exactly what we think others will do if they knew.  We shun us.  We deny our feelings.  The passion that pulses through our veins is veiled, just as it is in the dry list I presented earlier in this essay.  It seems safer to hide the emotions.  Thus, we travel on and justify, rationalize, reason, intellectualize, make excuses, blame . . . human beings mask the essence of a message in order to relieve the pain.  Then they speak of external barriers?

I cannot speak to my boss; she is a b****!  He is a b******!  We do not speak the same language.  In his culture . . . He could not possibly comprehend.  She is unfamiliar with the language; she will not hear what I say.  He is a man; how could he understand.  You know how women are.  No, tell me.  I have yet to encounter any two that are alike.

I have to wait so that I may speak to him face-to-face.  However, the time never comes.  Thus, you wait and wait for the perfect opportunity.  It never seems to come.  After awhile, you decide it is just too late.  Then you conclude, it is just too late.  Too much has happened since.  I guess I will have to suffer in silence.

Communication can cause such anguish.  It can also bring great pleasure.  The two are not separate; nor are they equal.  They are the sum total of our unique being.  Our background and experiences cause us to feel as we do, hear as we might, understand in the manner that makes sense to us.  We may be critical, cordial, compassionate, or cruel; yet, no matter what our intent, another will perceive our words and deeds through their own filter.

Woes may be similar, worries akin.  You, as I may be apprehensive when confronted with what I perceive is a need to say aloud what I think might be difficult.  I hesitate.  I vacillate.  I hem and hah.  I fear what I might mouth.  In my desire to foil a fight, perhaps I create one? 

When faced with a dilemma I recall the words my Mom uttered, “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.”  Perchance, that would be best; however, it is my experience, what is not stated does far more damage than what be expressed poorly.

If someone comes to me and complains, if they accuse me of doing what was detrimental, do I become defensive.  Might I attack, react, reason, or rationalize.  Whatever I choose I must understand, mere words are not enough to communicate the flood that is within me.  Nor will my statements be all that the other sees, hears, or grasps.  There is far more to an interaction than the superficial sense we have of what was said or done.

Intellectually, I understand the inventory of barriers.  First, there must be a physical proximity before a dialogue can begin.  Yet, how often do you sit with your boss and never say a word when you object to a proposition.  The lack of talk suggests as much as constant chatter.  Yet, silence reveals no more than the sound of words.

Men, women, and children often reside in the same house and rarely share more than a meal.  Many of us know our spouse or siblings as well as we do others, those outside the home.  Some sleep next to a life partner each evening; they hug, kiss, and become intimately intertwined, bodily interlaced.  However, one or both may loathe their lover.  If they have a story to tell, they will not share it with their supposed soul mate. 

When there is a need to speak with an associate, an acquaintance, a parent, a pupil, a physician, a personal trainer, a person that represents a professional organization some people feel safe.  An emotional or physical distance can be grand.  At times, individuals feel freer when with those that do not have the emotional power to hurt them.  A cordon for some is a conduit for others.

For a few, electronic communication is the medium of choice.  Numerous persons feel free to be when they chat in cyberspace.  Apparently, Internet Dating Much More Successful Than Thought. We look for love in all sorts of places.  The desire to connect to another human intimately runs deep.  What we will do for love and what we will say in pursuit of our passion  can have an enormous effect on communication.  When we feel spurned, some of us may say or not express something more profound.  When we are free to be, protected by the net that surrounds an electronic neighborhood, we may let it all fly.  How many of us have received a computer-generated correspondence that bit more than a byte.

While all sorts of online exchanges can be misunderstood, social scientists say that faceless strangers are especially likely to run into problems.  “Through that initial phone call, people become real,” says Susan Barnes, a professor of communication at Rochester Institute of Technology in New York. Simply foregoing common pleasantries can make a message come across as rude-especially if communicators don’t know each other.  A rushed e-mail may give the impression that the exchange is unimportant.  And, because first impressions set the tone for subsequent interaction, Barnes says, the exchange can quickly go downhill.

Nadler says the missing element in electronic communication is rapport, that in-sync state that’s easier to establish in person or by phone.  Facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice-all these social cues are missing in e-mail (and smiley-face “emoticons” can do only so much to replace them).  But because messages travel almost instantly, people act as if they’re in a face-to-face conversation, says David Falcone, a psychology professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia.  Because of this illusion of proximity, we’re duped into thinking we can communicate about touchy subjects, such as disagreements or criticisms, and that the tone of our writing will be perceived correctly.

Furthermore, says Nadler, just because we can send a message anytime doesn’t mean someone is there to receive it.  Yet people often fear a delayed reply is a potential blow-off.

And when we feel slighted, we are more apt to throw a fit via e-mail than we would by phone. “The anonymity of e-mail leads to rudeness,” says Barnes, adding we may not feel accountable, especially if we’ve never actually spoken to the other person.  Even if we mean well, the lack of second-by-second feedback, by which we constantly adjust our words in conversation, can cause us to go on blithely composing messages that will rub the recipient the wrong way.

Nose to nose is not much better for communication.  Granted, common language can be a problem.  Conventionally we understand different dialects hamper our ability to communicate well.  I, as others might offer infinite and general scenarios to demonstrate how language can inhibit effective exchanges.  However, I suspect if you study the dynamics in each you may realize the verbal and nonverbal communication does not cause the problems.  Again, emotions, expectations, inferences, incite disagreements.  The fire in our heart, in our head ignites the flames

With no common history and little interaction outside the workplace, the intersection of the two groups — which is occurring more frequently as Korean business and the Hispanic population boom — has been fraught with tension and cultural misunderstandings.

Ricardo Garcia, 34, complains he wasn’t paid fully by a Korean contractor.  Fermin Soto, a 42-year-old immigrant from Mexico, said he had similar problems with a different contractor, adding that the Korean builder spoke down to Hispanic workers.

The stories have made Ronald Tobar, who hasn’t worked for a Korean employer, wary.

“I’m a little afraid of working for them,” said Tobar, a native of Guatemala. “I hear they are aggressive and strict and give the worst jobs to Hispanics.”

Such perceptions exacerbate tensions between the groups, said Daniel Choi, a lawyer for the Virginia Justice Center, a legal advocacy group for immigrants that mainly represents Hispanics. Many of the workplace problems Choi encounters while working on behalf of Hispanic immigrants against Korean employees are grievances like unpaid wages that have nothing to do with race or culture. Yet, perceptions of ethnic and racial biases often complicate matters.

When Thomas Yoon helped open the Super H Mart store in Fairfax in 2001, he noticed that some older Koreans, raised in the Confucian Korean culture where relationships are dictated by hierarchy and age, were offended that their Hispanic co-workers were tapping them on the shoulder to get their attention.  To the Koreans, the gesture was disrespectful.  To the Hispanic workers, the shoulder tap was simply a means of communication and signaled familiarity and comfort among the workers.

While the difference in language and culture contributes to misunderstanding, I suspect what causes a greater riff is the economic disparity.  Money moves many a heart and a mouth.

A gesture meant to state, “I like you,” may actually connote disdain.  If it seems as though we condescend when in the company of one that thinks them better, or less, that message is felt.  We need not express ourselves aloud.  People hear the unspoken.  Vernacular is victim to much misinterpretation.  Yet, dialect is nothing on balance; a division in dollars can be quite the deal.

Love, money, and power all rolled into one can cause conflict in any liaison.  Often, when people speak of relationships between men and women we hear such tales of deep distress.  In another of the many available lists presented to enlighten, I read gender is a barrier to communication.  The author cited . . .

Gender barriers
There are distinct differences between the speech patterns in a man and those in a woman. A woman speaks between 22,000 and 25,000 words a day whereas a man speaks between 7,000 and 10,000.  In childhood, girls speak earlier than boys and at the age of three, have a vocabulary twice that of boys.

The reason for this lies in the wiring of a man’s and woman’s brains. When a man talks, his speech is located in the left side of the brain but in no specific area.  When a woman talks, the speech is located in both hemispheres and in two specific locations.

This means that a man talks in a linear, logical and compartmentalised way, features of left-brain thinking; whereas a woman talks more freely mixing logic and emotion, features of both sides of the brain.  It also explains why women talk for much longer than men each day.

Ah, that is the excuse used to explain emotional differences.  I marvel at what for me is a deeply held myth.  Men have less words; the male mind is not wired as a woman’s might be.  There is much evidence to support humans are acculturated into the habits they acquire.  Brains are pliable and porous.  From the first, we are taught.  What we learn when we were so very young we believe is natural.  It is our nature to be stoic or expressive.  Boys and girls believe before they are able to grasp there are other options.

In our society, boys are typically told they are hard-wired, hard-hearted, all that they are not.  Male adults model the behavior, for they too were  taught.  Men are persuaded to believe they are not demonstrative; they must not trust in order to survive.  William Pollack, Ph.D. author of Real Boys explains.  He understands as I have all my life; boys feel very deeply and have much to say.  They are “trained” from birth to speak less.

Pollack’s message was a consistent one: The “boy code” imposes a “gender straitjacket” on boys, often leaving them without the experience or the tools to express their emotions safely. . . .

It’s a series of outmoded, unspoken, unwritten rules of conduct by which, for generations, we have brought up boys. According to the code, boys must be tough, stoic, not dependent on others, inexpressive people who are not allowed to share their pain.

Boys feel great pressure to emulate the code’s ideal boy.  Since they always fall short of this impossible ideal, they become frustrated, depressed, and angry.

Once more, we see the effect of emotions concealed.  Emotions cloaked or presented as daggers are the barriers to communication in my mind.

I ponder what for me is most profound.  What we hide from others [and too often from ourselves] hinders a healthy relationship.  With others and self.  Personally, I am haunted by the unspoken.  Ultimately, I conclude that I must speak, but how.

How do I share what works on my mind?  I fear rejection, resentment, rebellion, a reprimand; yet, I understand that my words to him or her may feel as any of these.  It matters not whether I speak with my ward, my protégé, my mentor, or my muse.  Communication is fragile.  Talk is not cheap; it is priceless, so valuable, and yet so vague.

If, as I begin to express myself, I see pain in his eyes, I heart the hurt in his voice, do I apologize for the harm I never intended to cause yet did?  Whether it be in a personal or professional encounter, words can wield as weapons.  Much sorrow is evoked when we offer the most innocent observation. 

A person presumes to know what I meant when I say, “please,” “if you would,” “might I suggest,” and perhaps they are correct.  However, more frequently than not, what each of us hear has more to do with our history than that of the speaker.

As I broach a conversation, I must wonder; yet rarely do we.  Will a wounded soul, and perchance we all are invisibly injured, be able to hear my words, or even let me come close enough to share my deepest anguish?  Will I, the truly impaired individual be able to separate myself from a need to defend myself, when I am so very offended?

Will one so strong and healthy, in appearance, be open to foreboding words of his or her failure to achieve.  As a parent, a sibling, a supervisor, a mentor do I dare mention an error on the part of my muse.  Should I mention the pain I feel when she says I am mistaken or the hurt in my heart when he tells me my every action annoys him?  Do I speak to an associate about their behavior, or my reaction to their demeanor?  In what way do I approach a child, a neighbor, or my closest friend?  There is much I conceal, so many secrets, suppositions, and then there are the suggestions others offer, what might I consider if I hope to communicate effectively.

Last week, in my employ, I was given an assignment.  I was commanded, ordered, directed, told, invited, welcomed, or asked to pen a tome.  The topic would be “barriers to communication.”  Internally I know to my core, I revel in this theme.  For years, I understood, what I wish to do in my life is write and broadly publish volumes of discussions on relationships.  The ways in which we interact fascinates me.  Misinterpretations boggle my mind.  An exchange of ideas, while on the surface is a simple notion.  However, I think there is no endeavor more complex.

I studied this subject extensively over the years; yet, when this request was made, I felt a tinge of resentment.  I wanted to pursue personal prose, those that interest me.  Well, that must not be true, for indeed this discipline moves me as no other.  Yet, on this occasion I had no enthusiasm for in the work.

Nevertheless, I started the research, and discovered the reasons I was less than intrigued.  Numerous sources furnished a simple analysis.  Almost all the references addressed the issue as it pertains to a persons’ professional life or the authors spoke in general.  How could they not?  They do not know us. 

You dear reader, are likely familiar with the conventional wisdom.  What are the barriers and how might we break these.  The words read more than a decade ago resounded in my head.  Stephen Covey, in Seven Principles of Highly Effective Families wrote of how we are not different at work than we are at home.  Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator and Family Coach, also recalls her reveries of Doctor Covey writings. 

Respect for Myself Respect for the Other Person

I have a right to my feelings.  He has a right to his feelings.

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as humans is you can not force others to do as you wish and you must make choices based on this.  The only thing we truly have control over is our own inner thoughts and outer actions.  We can provide information, influence, and suggestions to our loved ones and associates, but the desire to change [or do] must be within the individual.  Accountability and responsibility involves claiming our own power and using our wisdom to create different results in life.

Perhaps, that is what worked within me.  Correctly or not I felt as though I was “expected’ to address communication in a manner contrary to my passion.  It seemed, for whatever reason, I was meant to share techniques and these would guide readers.  I understand that people prefer to peruse outlines.  When asked to look deeper or contemplate the motivations and myths within, frequently men, women, and children state, “And your point is,” as though there is a central focus or a guidebook to assist us in the complexity of communication. 

I struggle with such simplicity.  I fear a tome titled “Communication Made Easy.”  Perhaps billions would willingly purchase a copy of “Communication For Dummies.”  They might read with glee as though they found the answer; however, I cannot author that volume.

Change the way in which you communicate; it is simple, straightforward, and can be accomplished if only you know the steps.  Allow for accessibility.  Be sensitive to false perceptions, those of others, for clearly we are each correct in our ideals.  Consider language and gender differences, even if these only deter communication because we believe they will.  Certainly, address your own interpersonal preferences and change these if they hinder communication, not that you might recognize the difference between your learned habit and what you believe to be your nature.  Nonetheless, break down those barriers.  Yikes!

After I found numerous references that offer an index of solutions, I thought to myself, ‘Fine, surface, as these sources are, so too will be my essay.  I will do the project quickly.  I can supplant and expand on a reference or two.  Then I will have time to work on personal projects as I desire to do.’  The composition need not be glorious.  I have other interests to pursue. 

Again, I remind myself I want to publish prose that discuss the delicate dilemma, how might we best communicate.

I recalled the thousands of workers I have seen in my lifetime.  They all place personal priorities above the menial and meaningless assigned responsibilities.  Even when engaged in a profession they love, people gravitate to the personal.  Why would I be different?

We cannot always complete each tasks with equal vigor.  Not every essay need be a masterpiece, nor will this one be.  I decided, I would pen this treatise without delay or enthusiasm.  [Remembering of course, I love, and wish to write volumes on the topic of communication.]

Just as I was about to begin my labor, the telephone rang.  I received an electronic communication.  Other occupational concerns took precedence.  Then, the daily doings necessary to survive got in my way.  Family situations that needed by full attention mounted.  There were ample distractions.  However, honestly, I knew, I did not wish to work on this tome.  I began to examine why I did not feel as I do when I plunge into a blank page with intention. 

I am told that many do not write or paint for as they gaze upon a blank page or canvas they feel great anxiety.  I rarely experience such a sense of doom or gloom when in front of an empty space, for I feel no voids.  I observe no vacant expanse.  For me, emotions, raw and exposed, threaten my ability to communicate, to complete tasks, to commence, or to accomplish what I wish to achieve.

I realized at least a decade ago, what we experience in our professional lives, closely parallels what occurs in our private lives.  We are not one way at work and another way home.  You or I may wish to believe that we are profound in our profession and a failure domestically.  Perchance we excel in our familial endeavors and flounder in each employ.  Each of us, at times may muse we are different in various aspects of our life.  Yet, in truth, what guides us in one circumstance, leads us to travel down each and every avenue.  Our perceptions are extremely powerful.

Consider the thoughts that occurred to you as you read the various words I used to describe how this project was presented to me.  Some of the terms may have made you cringe.  Those that implied this “assignment” was forced upon me establish that this is an unwelcome endeavor.  I loathe compulsory chores.

Bear in mind the topic that evoked this essay was not my creation; however, it is my life mission.  Nevertheless, if doing this article is not my idea, then, I can resent the “request.”

Most humans prefer to feel as though they have freedom of choice.  I definitely do.  Thus, an assignment feels as an obligation, a duty, a job, a task, and certainly not a personal preference.  If the idea was not mine, even though, in honesty, it is, I might feel put upon. 

My own reaction to a glorious action, an invitation to do, as I deeply desire, can and will change the dynamic of further communication between myself and my “supervisor.’  The barrier, in this incident is as in every other conversation; the way in which I choose to interpret the intention of another affects the entire dialogue.

Might we also examine how the message was delivered?  Did my ’superior’ suggest I compose an essay on \ how we hear what we do and why.  Did he present the notion of such an examination as a possibility or was this exercise required, a mandatory pursuit.  In truth, it would not have mattered what “the man” said or how.  The manner in which my “boss” spoke would not have influenced my reaction as much as the mere fact that he is titled, the “person in charge.”  I am but a subordinate.

In actuality, I am not above or below anyone.  None of us are.  Nor does anyone have the power to demand that we think, say, do, feel, or be, as they desire.  For each of us, our background, experiences, the effect of these and our emotions are the greatest barriers to communication.

We hear what we judge was said.  Every one of us truly thinks that what we believe to be so is valid and perhaps, it is, for us, in that moment.  However, were we to open our minds, hearts, eyes, and souls we might discover another reality.  Author, Dr. Steven Covey shared a story that may help to explain what occurs in every aspect of our lives.

These are deep problems, painful problems — problems that quick fix approaches can’t solve. 
A few years ago, my wife Sandra and I were struggling with this kind of concern. 

One of our sons was having a very difficult time in school.  He was doing poorly academically; he didn’t even know how to follow the instructions on the tests, let alone do well in them.  Socially he was immature, often embarrassing those closest to him.  Athletically, he was small, skinny, and uncoordinated — swinging
his baseball bat, for example, almost before the ball was even pitched.  Others would laugh at him.  Sandra and I were consumed with a desire to help him.  We felt that if “success” were important in any area of life, it was supremely important in our role as parents.

So, we worked on our attitudes and behavior toward him and we tried to work on his.  We attempted to psyche him up using positive mental attitude techniques.  “Come on, son!  You can do it!  We know you can.  Put your hands a little higher on the bat and keep your eye on the ball.  Don’t swing till it gets close to you.”  And if he did a little better, we would go to great lengths to reinforce him.  “That’s good, son, keep it up.”

When others laughed, we reprimanded them.  “Leave him alone.  Get off his back.  He’s just learning.”  And our son would cry, and insist that he’d never be any good, and that he didn’t like baseball anyway  Nothing we did seemed to help, and we were really worried. 

We could see the effect this was having on his self-esteem.  We tried to be encouraging, helpful, and positive, but after repeated failure, we finally drew back and tried to look at the situation on a different level.  At this time in my professional role, I was involved in leadership development work with various
clients throughout the country. 

In that capacity, I was preparing bimonthly programs on the subject of communication and perception for IBM’s Executive Development Program participants.  As I researched and prepared these presentations, I became particularly interested in how perceptions are formed, how they behave.  This led me to a study of expectancy theory, and
self-fulfilling prophecies, or the “Pygmalion effect,” and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. 

It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world, we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world.  As Sandra and I talked about the concepts I was teaching at IBM and about our own situation, we
began to realize that what we were doing to help our son was not in harmony with the way we really saw him.  When we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized that our perception was that
he was basically inadequate, somehow “behind.”

No matter how much we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were ineffective because, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, “You aren’t capable.  You have to be protected.”
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves.
And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.

Perceptions are punitive.  Often we punish others or ourselves unjustly.  After, I read Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, I understood.  Those that judge us most harshly, are far more critical of themselves.  Ultimately, the victim becomes the abuser.  The violence may not be physical.  It may be verbal, emotional, intellectual, each perhaps, far more traumatic than bumps and bruises to the body.  We criticize ourselves just as we were criticized.

When you were young, which of these did you feel more often:

No matter what I do, my parents love me.

I can’t seem to please my parents, no matter what I do.

My parents don’t really notice me.
The answers to such questions reveal more than about our childhood: they also tend to predict how we act in our closest relationships as adults.

Our childhood shapes our brain in many ways - and so determines our most basic ways of reacting to others - for better and for worse.  If we felt well-loved in childhood, we tend to be secure in our relationships - but if not, then we’re more prone to chronic problems.

The primary paradox is that we trust what we believe to be true.  We are so certain that what we understand is accurate, that we cannot imagine how wrong we are.  Perchance, that too is, in large part is the puzzle.

As children, impressionable and desirous of knowledge, many of us were told we were mistaken, in error, at fault.  What we heard is that our essence was flawed.  Parents, Moms, Dads, school Principals, teachers, people we truly admired certainly must know.  These esteemed individuals can see to our core.  Thus, they have the wisdom to describe us as we are.  As we age, what was said to us is what we say to ourselves.  Sadly, rarely do we realize, those revered individuals never stated what we heard, nonetheless, we internalize the identity we adopted so very long ago.  Indeed, neurological studies demonstrate the brain, chemically etches our patterns and our beliefs.

As the week went on and this project hung over my head as a weight, I waited for the load to fall down upon me.  Auspiciously, it did.  However, not in the way I expected.

A very close friend, one that I have known for decades shared a secret he held forever.  He never told another human being.  Yet, what remained hidden revealed itself in an ugly letter.  This kind and gentle man discovered that, a pain he caused in his youth, was known to another.  This other person held her hurt, just as he harbored his.

Each was deeply scarred.  No words were ever spoken.  Interpretations became truth.  Insinuations and implications grew in intensity.  The mind filled in for what was never spoken of.  Each of these individuals now five and six decades old, is wounded in ways one would never imagine to look at them.

While both have a semblance of success, the circumstances, never communicated, has hindered their growth.  They have achieved financially, although that was not enough to compensate for the horror they felt and hide.  His and her accomplishments were inadequate; they did not fill the void left by the unmentionable.  The health of each, physically, mentally, emotionally, and possibly intellectually suffered.  Neither felt worthy of awards or accolades.

She blames him.  He placed the onus on himself.  Perhaps, deep down she thinks she was responsible for  the trauma.  We cannot know for sure.  She refuses to engage in a significant exchange.  He shutters.  How might he ever repent.  The hidden hurt now exposed; yet still not discussed scars the hearts more deeply.

A life, two lives ended long ago because there were barriers to communication.  It matters not what the blockades were; nor is it important that we know the specifics of what happened oh so very long ago.  The details, indeed, might allow us to feel separate or superior.  “That would never happen to me.”  What occurs often, in the lives of every human being is we, I, do not communicate when we must.  When we do, frequently we are defensive.

As a species, we’re not very skilled at talking about tough topics.

Sure, we can gather our courage and blurt out what’s been bothering us for weeks, months, or even years.  We get it out, unload, and move on, leaving hurt feelings and the seeds of another misunderstanding in our wake.

Part of the problem, Harvard researchers say, is that we approach such confrontations thinking that we not only understand our own point of view, but we also believe we know for sure what the other person did, said, and thought on the subject.  And we think our view is right.

But in fact, they say, we’re usually wrong, which explains why these kinds of talks often go so badly.

“When we get into difficult interpersonal conflicts, it’s not very natural for us to see the conflict from the other person’s point of view,” said Douglas Stone, associate director of the Harvard Negotiation Project.  “But it’s a skill that is crucial to learn.”

empathy, I believe is the best educator.  I cannot ever truly know whom you are within.  When I enter into a conversation, a negotiation, a conciliation, or a concession with a close mind, certain that you are less than I, then, communication will be but a dream.  If we are to remove the force that keeps us separate we must listen, place ourselves where we have never been, in the heart, mind, and soul of another.

In fact, the way most of us broach difficult topics dooms the conversation from the start, they say. Openings such as “I think we should discuss why you’ve been so inconsiderate lately,” immediately put the other person on the defensive and leads to an “I have not been inconsiderate” response rather than a talk about why he or she has been getting in at 1 a.m. and waking you up by playing the stereo.

Instead of venting your opinion, the researchers say, you should do at least as much learning about the other person’s point of view as you do talking about your own. Perhaps the person is playing music so late because he or she works two jobs to make ends meet and this is the only time available to study for a history of music course.

Without asking, you’ll never know.

“Go in and remember to inquire as much as you tell your story,” said Bruce Patton, the Negotiation Project’s deputy director.

The greatest barrier to communication is I.  You, he, and she are as I.  Too often, we talk and do not listen.  We hear what we plan to say.  The words of a friend, a family member, and a fellow worker are frequently background noise to our own thoughts.  What escapes from the lips of our neighbor falls to the ground.  We are consumed with emotions; thus, rarely do we communicate completely with compassion.

I invite you to look at yourself, the way in which you interact with others at home or at work.  Do you invite discussion?  Might you embrace an opportunity to learn, to discover, or to authentically connect, or do you prefer to be in control.

Please consider we can never imagine what is within another.  Why they did as they did.  Please trust, if you are hurt, so too are they.  I know it is hard to accept that he or she did not mean to demean, destroy, or diminish your worth.  Sadly, they, as you have emotions, raw, and exposed to the elements.

If you wish to end the madness, remove the line of defense, the molehill in your mind and heart that is now a mountain.  The barrier to communication is the one, or many, you, I, we create.

Intelligence is Emotional; Empathy is the Best Educator . . .

Sam Harris and Salman Rushdie have an important op-ed in the LA Times, “Ayaan Hirsi Ali: abandoned to fanatics.”

In fact, I’d add this: Ayaan Hirsi Ali gets a lot of accusations that her critique of Islam is not sophisticated enough, that she oversimplifies things, or that her tactics do not really help the Muslim women she speaks for. She gets flak for being inflammatory and unnecessarily insulting to a world religion. In some contexts such criticisms might need to be debated; I expect some of them are at least in part correct. But in the present situation, when she’s operating under serious death threats because she dared offend some Muslim fanatics, all this is irrelevant. And I find the hemming and hawing I hear, especially from more left wing political circles, very disturbing. Hell, I take it personally. What kind of intellectual life can we sustain if people can be shouted down or be forced to live in fear because they insulted someone’s religion?

While I’m on this sort of rant, what the hell is it with Westerners becoming so protective of other people’s religious and nationalist sensitivities? It’s not only touching Islam that can get you into trouble; these days in the US making noises about the apartheid-like policies of Israel is also becoming a sure way to get your tenure denied or your speaking engagements canceled. OK, I’m cynical enough to suspect that modern populations are all too easily inclined towards forms of fascism. But at least if it’s their own hypernationalism or foaming at the mouth in service of their own superstitions, then that’s easier to understand. What is this with enforcing the fanaticism of others?

Sometimes the things we believe will help us (e.g. a drug) can have the opposite effect. One reason for this is that current medical practice is largely premised on a “one size fits all” mentality. But the rise of pharmacogenomics promises to help us bring about more safe and effective treatments. This NCBI website describes the potential benefits of pharmacogenomics:

ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL:
THE PROMISE OF PHARMACOGENOMICS

Adverse Drug Reaction. These three simple words convey little of the horror of a severe negative reaction to a prescribed drug. But such negative reactions can nonetheless occur. A 1998 study of hospitalized patients published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that in 1994, adverse drug reactions accounted for more than 2.2 million serious cases and over 100,000 deaths, making adverse drug reactions (ADRs) one of the leading causes of hospitalization and death in the United States. Currently, there is no simple way to determine whether people will respond well, badly, or not at all to a medication; therefore, pharmaceutical companies are limited to developing drugs using a “one size fits all” system. This system allows for the development of drugs to which the “average” patient will respond. But, as the statistics above show, one size does NOT fit all, sometimes with devastating results. What is needed is a way to solve the problem of ADRs before they happen. The solution is in sight though, and it is called pharmacogenomics.

What Is Pharmacogenomics?

The way a person responds to a drug (this includes both positive and negative reactions) is a complex trait that is influenced by many different genes. Without knowing all of the genes involved in drug response, scientists have found it difficult to develop genetic tests that could predict a person’s response to a particular drug. Once scientists discovered that people’s genes show small variations (or changes) in their nucleotide (DNA base) content, all of that changed—genetic testing for predicting drug response is now possible. Pharmacogenomics is a science that examines the inherited variations in genes that dictate drug response and explores the ways these variations can be used to predict whether a patient will have a good response to a drug, a bad response to a drug, or no response at all.

So what challenges must pharmoacgenomics overcome before we can reap its purported benefits? The latest issue of PLOS Medicine has an informative paper on that topic (here) by Jesse J. Swen et. al., entitled “Translating Pharmacogenomics: Challenges on the Road to the Clinic”. Here is a sample:

Because variation in drug responses is, at least to some extent, related to genetic variation, PGx testing has the potential to result in safer and more effective use of drugs by permitting individualized therapy. In recent years FDA-approved PGx tests have become available, but the use of PGx testing has remained limited, largely by a lack of scientific evidence for improved patient care by PGx testing. Providing this scientific evidence presents a significant challenge. The development of novel tests should be aimed at solving important clinical problems. To demonstrate potential for clinical use, PGx studies should report diagnostic test criteria. For PGx tests shown to improve patient care, guidelines directing the clinical use of PGx test results should be developed. Information on cost-effectiveness and cost-consequences of PGx testing should be provided to facilitate reimbursement by insurance companies. Finally, uptake in clinical practice will be given a stimulus if regulatory agencies recommend testing prior to prescribing the drug, and if pharmaceutical companies or patient groups advocate for use of the test. If the outlined challenges can be met, the incorporation of PGx in routine clinical practice may prove an achievable goal in the near future.

Cheers,
Colin